The Saga of Darren Shan
13 years ago
Archives for July 2009
Milk
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a whitemustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."
Attractive
While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."
Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks
GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
You know you're a redneck jedi when..
You know you're a redneck jedi when..
- You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
- You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
- You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
Missappropriated Churchill Quote
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
Valentine's Gift
As Valentines day was approaching, Charlie decided to buy a special gift for his new girlfriend, Ruth. The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right. Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.
Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman's opinion. They found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie's sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.
Charlie mailed his Valentine's Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:
I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don't wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
These are a lovely colour. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love, Charlie
