Human Years

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Tidbits

Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc...I don't have any money."

---

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" --Dave Barry

---

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." -Oscar Wilde

The Bully

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

Oldies...

Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."

Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"

ABBA -- "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"

Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"

Please give back my picture

John fiance Claire call him to untie their engagement.
John: Why?
Claire: I 'm bored with you. I already find a new partner. Before that you must give me back all the picture of me.
John: Ok. But I don't remember which is your picture. Later you can choose it yourself. When you finish with it please sent me back the other picture.
Claire: YOU.... I HATE YOU.....!

What Kids Donating

A man came to a house to ask for a donation. A donation for the old folk home. A little kid open the door.
Little Kid : Donating what isir?
Man : Donate to old folk home. Do you have anything to donate?
Little Kid : Please wait for a while. I'll get my grandpa
Man : ??

Hon if its your relative

In the evening a mother bring her 4 years old child for a drive. On their way the mother hon on somebody.
Child: Mommy, why did you hon and who is that person?
Mother: Oh... it's our relative, we need to greet them.

After that on their way they saw a cow crossing the road, the mother once a gain hon at it.
Child: Is that our relative also?

Husband book

Husband: Honey, why are you crying?
Wife: I just red a book. It's a sad ending dear...
Husband: What book?
Wife: Your Bank book dear...

Wife past lover

Stone Weather Prediction

If the stone underwater - It's a float

extra marital affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work.

The Irish

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that, You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

WHAT WOMAN SAY & WHAT IT MEANS

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?

There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

*********

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.

.... without you in it.

*********

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?

We haven't had a fight in a while.

*********



NO, PIZZA'S FINE.

.... you cheap slob!

*********

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.

I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

*********

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I can't believe you have nothing planned.

*********

COME HERE.

My puppy does this, too.

*********

I LIKE YOU, BUT...

I don't like you.

*********

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.

.... just not in that way.

*********

YOU NEVER LISTEN.

You never listen.

*********

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.

I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

*********

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.

I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

*********

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.

I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

*********

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!

Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

*********

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.

We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

WORK Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload- Recreational- Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer- Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer -Elimination- Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected...

Alcohoroscopes

We've seen a lot of horoscopes and birth signs related to animals, colors, flowers, numbers, and all things you can just imagine, but here's something you can think about and have some laugh. Lol! I'm a Pisces so I have an "addictive personality" huh? Have fun!

Alcohoroscopes explains your expected behaviour after you get drunk based on your sun sign.

ARIES - Drinking style Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometime sdon’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk I sa good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS - Drinking style Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china- shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say thatthe Bull is by any means a teetotaler — god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

CANCER - Drinking style Cancer is a comfort drinker — and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists — and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get ‘tired and emotional’ (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO - Drinking style Leo likes to drink and dance — they’re often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they’re quite aware they’re darling -Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one what rung them. But Leo’s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO - Drinking style Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure –but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked — but, oh, when they do! Virgo’s controlled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, ‘I’m going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight.’ A toast to the sub genius IQ!

LIBRA - Drinking style ‘I’m jusht a social drinker,’ slurs Libra, ‘it’s jusht that I’m so damn social?’ Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Frienddevice set to ‘on’) or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble –including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the roomor even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO - Drinking style Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them seethe sauce as something to savor in itself, and not asa personality- altering tool — though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything — especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS - Drinking style In vino veritas — and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN - Drinking style Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty — no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who’re you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hookup with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS - Drinking style Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative — and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist):Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES - Drinking style If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality –with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days. The phrase ‘addictive personality’ can be read two ways, you know. .

BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

Some Very Clever Business Signs

1) At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

2) In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

3) In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

4) On a Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."
5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."

6) Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

7) At a Tire Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."

8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

9) At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

10) On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

11) In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."

12) On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

13) On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

14) At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

15) Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

16) At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."

17) In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Please drive carefully. We'll wait."

Contradictory proverbs

Every Action has an equal and an opposite reaction.

Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb! There always exists two sides of the same coin.

U be the judge..


All good things come to those who wait.
BUT
Time and tide wait for no man.

The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike.
BUT
Fools seldom differ.

The best things in life are free things..
BUT
There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Slow and steady wins the race.
BUT
Time waits for no man.

Look before you leap.
BUT
Strike while the iron is hot.

Do it well, or not at all.
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT
Opposites attract.

Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.
BUT
Forewarned is forearmed.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes.
BUT
It ain't over 'till it's over.

Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Silence is golden.
BUT
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BUT
One man's food is another man's poison.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
BUT
Out of sight, out of mind.

Too many cooks spoil the broth.
BUT
Many hands make light work.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Cooooool quotes

say no to drugs, they just don't listen.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week.

SOME LOGICIAL THOUGHTS and STATEMENTS

Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
_____

To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
_____

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
_____

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
_____

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.
_____

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
_____

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
_____

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
_____

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
_____

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
_____

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
_____

42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
_____

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
_____

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
_____

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.
_____

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
_____

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
_____

If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
_____

Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
_____

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
_____

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
_____

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
_____

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
_____

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
_____

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
_____

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
_____

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
_____

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
_____

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
_____

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
_____

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
_____

Well done is better than well said .
_____

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
_____

Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
_____

Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.
_____

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
_____

Urgent vacancy for the post of Girl Friend

Happy Valentines Day

Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below.

Designation : Junior girl friend (trainee)
Experience : Must have ditched at least 2 guys (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered)
Other requirement : Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required.

Age : 18-26 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special consideration will undertaken for them)
Height, weight, complexions no bar, but is subjective.

Perks and incentives:
Total gross ( Monthly ) :
· 2 gifts worth not exceeding Rs. 1000/-(no precious metals, stones)
· bike rides each duration 1 hour
· trips to National Highways
· 5 Trips to Hanuman Mandir / Isckon Temple
· Kulfis / Chocobars at a regular gap of 3 days
· Daily Provision of Samosa/Bread Pakoda/Bhel worth Rs. 10 /-
· 2 movies (Family movies only) per month (on weekends)
· Visits to Shopping Malls and BARISTA every Weekend (On your own expense)


A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper.

Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and un-professional taxes will be informed on joining
The probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend)

Plz NOTE:
1. Only females.
2. Girls who left in the last 2 months need not apply.
3. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions.

There is more:
For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral. Program by referring their friend, colleagues etc.

Candle light or Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected.

Search,,,,,, , never ends!!
Interested candidates can send their resume with

Subject:
Name/fresher- exp/age.
Photo must be in attachment. To the email address via mail
Note: Applications without photo will be rejected

Whole Thing

Shooloo and Deepoo had been married for some time and were having spousal disharmony, confrontation, disputes, problems.

So they decided to see a professional marriage counselor.

After some warming out routine questions the counselor asked the unhappy couple, "Well, what do you think seems to be the problem with your marriage?"


Simultaneously in harmonious voice Shooloo and Deepoo yelled, "I am unhappy with the Whole Thing."

"Can you both be please more specific?" asked the confounded counselor.

Confused Deepoo loss at words meekly answered, "I am unhappy with the Hole."

Shooloo snapped back, "Well, if that is what you have to say to the outsiders then I am unhappy with the thing!"

Signing the Declaration...

A school teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He said, "Darn if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.

She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, heck, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck, you darn well better admit it!"

Funny puns

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

* A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

* He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

* Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

* Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

* When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

Red Tape At The Bank

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.

After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

Creepy Castle

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

Men will try everything

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ ......... ......... ....... Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!!

I Love You

I love you in blue.


I love you in red


but tell you the truth I love you most in bed.

10 LAWS OF COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

A Policeman Testifies in Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility. ..


Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"


A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."


Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"


A: "The officer who responded to the scene."


Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"


A: "Yes, sir. With my life."


Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"


A: "Yes sir, we do!"


Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"


A: "Yes sir, I do."


Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"


A: "Yes sir."


Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"


A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

*********

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" Line -- I think he'll win.

Good One Liner 2

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil
In bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home& economist in Bed.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may
Never piss this way again."

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to
6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?

Pilot asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

Optometrist

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dis- missed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

Without Bias

Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor.

Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.

I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."

Monopoly

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions.

I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?

Men Are Like...

Men are like..... Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like..... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like..... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like..... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like..... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like..... Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Smart monkey

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree.

He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down.

The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down."

So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.

The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."

"I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking."

"So why are you shaking?" asked the lion.

"Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."

How can you be that

How can you be that extra sure while making Love?



Simple....
Wear 2 condoms with red chilly powder in between them...
if the inner one bursts the male will knowif the outer one bursts the gal will know !-)



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..



Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?



It's called the Anal Optic Nerve and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.



If you don't believe it try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!!

Good read

The American president-elect Barack Obama is said to have called 15 world leaders so far, including presidents or prime ministers or kings of Australia, Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, Japan, Mexico, South Korea, Egypt, Italy, Saudi Arabia, Spain, Poland and Pakistan.

Surprisingly, president-elect Obama has not called India's leaders yet.

The truth is Obama has tried calling Mr. Singh. And a few times, he did connect as well. For various reasons though, the call did not seem to progress into a productive telephonic conversation. Here are ten reasons why that happened:


1. The first time Obama called the Indian Prime Minister's office, Mr. Singh's chief secretary picked up the phone and said, "who is speaking.."

Hearing that, Obama kept the phone down and told his secretary that by mistake, they had connected to the Chinese president's office.


2. Obama tried again a little later. Once again, Singh's secretary picked up the phone. Obama thought that he should let the guy know who he was speaking with.

So before the Indian secretary had a chance to say anything, Obama said, "This is Barack Obama speaking..". "Yeah right", said the chief secretary, "and I am Mahatma Gandhi here…".


3. A bit upset, Obama told his secretary to look up the Indian leader's number again. So they gave him another number to try. "This is Barack Obama speaking",

he said. "Oh, Mr. Obama, congratulations, what a great victory…", said the voice on the other line.

"Yeah, it was a blast", said Obama. "A blast? Wait…we will find out who is behind it..",

said the voice, "and now I have to go and change my suit…".

"Can't you get me Mr. Singh's correct number?

That was the Indian home minister, you moron…", the usually unruffled Obama blasted his secretary.


4. So Obama's secretary gave him another number to try.

He called and decided to make sure that he was speaking to the right person.

"Is this Mr. Singh?", he asked.
"Yes, it is", said the voice.
"This is Barack Obama", he said.
"Oh hello Mr. Obama, how is the election shaping up so far?"
"Well, I won mine you know..and we will soon have about 60 seats in the senate…", said Obama with palpable joy in his voice.

"Well, you know I can give you another 40 to make it an absolute majority", said the voice.

"Darn it!", said Obama, putting the phone down, "…you gave me Amar Singh's number…".


5. Once again, the secretary handed him another phone number.

"This is Barack Obama. Is Mr. Singh home?", he asked.
"Yes, but he's relaxing", said the voice.
"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down,
"…you gave me Milkha Singh's number…."


6. Once again, the secretary handed him another phone number.
"This is Barack Obama. Is Mr. Singh home?", he asked.
"Yes, this is he", said the voice.
"Ah, finally", thought Obama. "Mr. Singh,
what do you think of my victory"?
"Well, what can I say? A great victory for minorities and scheduled castes and the affirmative action..actually, your country should reserve 50% of senate and congress seats for black people…."

"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down,
"…this is that old fool Arjun Singh…."


7. Once again, the secretary handed him another phone number.
"This is Barack Obama. Is Mr. Singh home?", he asked.
"Yes, this is he", said Mr. Singh.
"Mr. Singh, I hope your country, too, will see the light at the end of the tunnel as the Americans have now seen.."

"Ya Obamaji, there is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an oncoming train which will run them over ….."

"What do you mean", asked Obama.
"What I meant was experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald..", replied Mr. Singh.

"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down,
"…this is that Navjot Singh…."


8. "You may not have the right city code. Try another one..", Obama told his secretary. So she found him another number to try.

"This is Barack Obama speaking", he said.
"Wow, this is fantastic", said the voice.
"So, what do you think of my victory", asked Obama, beaming with pride.
"What can I say?…it's outstanding, mindblowing, fantastic. history…", said the voice.
"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down,
"…I did not ask for Himesh Reshammiya's number…"


9. Once again, the secretary handed Obama another number.
"This is Barack Obama", he said.
"Congrats Mr Obama", said the voice.
"You know I have decided to give some key positions in my cabinet to Indians", said Obama.

"Indians? Why don't you give them to Maharashtrians? ", retorted the voice on the other end.
"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down,
"…I know how to deal with Chicago mafia, but I'm sure I can't handle Mumbai's godfathers…".


10. "Are these all the Indian numbers you have? One last time, try another one", said Obama.
"This is Obama from America", said Obama.
This time Laloo Yadav answered:
"Haan Obamabhai, Laloo speaking, Hum make America another Bihar".
A frightened Obama puts down receiver,never to ring again!

Engineers jokes

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file, and that's what they did last year

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.

The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!".

The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!".

The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, It might work...".

Oh No!!!

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the ho#NY husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down-stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while"

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.

"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now"

I might go deaf

Husband: I fancy kinky sex how about I cum in ur ear?

Wife: No I might go deaf!

Husband: I’ve been cumin in your mouth 4 15yrs & u r still f*ckin talking.

management & engineers

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.


She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."


The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."




"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.


"How did you know?"


"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."


The man below responded, "You must be in management."


"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"


BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... no wonder!!!!!

Missing Wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

The Resignation Letter

A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an Employee who was supposed to be busy working at Client side on a critical project. It had the subject - "TaTa - Bye Bye". With the worst premonition he opened the mail and read the content with trembling hands:-

Dear Sir,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving the job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down. I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you. I am sorry but I had no choice.

The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and "big heart".

I am of course retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you. Of course, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the company (since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another City.

Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me. Last but not the least. I also have the Rs 12000 entrusted to me by our company's cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command.

Don't worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for the new company. Someday I'm sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a job in the new company which I am joining.

Your faithful employee,
S. W. Engineer

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PS". Hands still trembling, the Boss read:

PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I'm am still busy working at client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my "Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal" attached with this mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to discuss this.

My respect and Best Regards to you!

Thanks & regards,

Bad Analogies

...from a high school essay

7) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

6) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

5) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

4) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

3) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

2) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

1) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Physics

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

Got Bugs?

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."

Devil Shopping

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

Breakfast

At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"

Walking...

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.

- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Cold War Dog Fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Elephant

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... THROWS HIM, CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM TO NEAR DEATH!

...Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.

ONE LINERS

* The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!

* Why did the Grammar teacher slap Santa's Son?
B'coz he asked: Why is BRA Singular, when it covers 2 items n PANTIES Plural when it Covers one item?

* Define contraceptive pill?
It’s the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

* What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

* Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

* Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It’s only when u leave her a virgin!

* Great door signs:
Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix.
Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels.
Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed.
Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout.
Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.
Maternity room: Push, Push, Push.

* Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband: Not bad.. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

* Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?
Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!

* Similarity between a dick & matchstick?
Both have heads without brains, both flare up at slightiest friction, both fizzle out after showing valour for 2secs !!!

Difference between appraisal and resignation

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"


Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation? "


Trainee: "Yes I do"


Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"


Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation


**********

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.


In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.



**********

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.


In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.


**********

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.


During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.


**********

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.


There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.



**********

Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign ... !!!"

Interesting chat

Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.




(Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's)




Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?




Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat




Hero : wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat




Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.




Hero : OK



(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).




Manager : Hey, I need some help from you




Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.




Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?




Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.




Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]




(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)




Female: Hey, am back




Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@




Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!




Hero : Yep, u rite!!




Female: Hey, can u do me a favor




Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.




Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out




Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.



ok?




Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!!




AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!

Sorry....

A humble apology!! Sorry for whatever happened..!!

Different kinds of Internet friendship proposals

Will u be my frinedship with me? Plz?????? (ya sure)

I'm all alone and in need of frinedship and friends. (ill gladly be ur friend if only you wud improve ur English)

Helelo I want friesship with u. (that reminds me of kkkkkiran)

I want to be closed friend with u. (when were we open?)

I want 2 b frands with you. (yup frands)

I want to be close friendship with u. (then be. Cuz I'm closed for you)

Please reply me to me weather we r frinds or not? (then you reply to urself dear me to me)

Behtarin.... love..... . Can v b plas? (r we gonna fix a car? Or screw some nuts?)

Itne mast mails kahaan se laati ho love? Can there be friends between us?and if frinedship is accepted. Then.....
Okkkk thunks. Thunk u so muck that u become my friend!!!!!! !!!!!!!! ............ .....do u have an a a/c in orkat??????? ??
If u have plz sand me u r link.
(notice the space between u and r. It completely changes the meaning of the sentence. The sentence now becomes "if u have plz sand me you are link")

Find Jesus?

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Interesting Emergency Calls

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi, is this the police? Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn.... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police.

Clothing Store

While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby.

Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket."

Escaping the Fire

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette,

"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away... the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh.....no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH!

The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell,

"Jump! You have to jump!"

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Not until you put the blanket down and back away!" yelled the Blonde.

SOME RULES KIDS WON'T LEARN IN SCHOOL

San Diego Union Tribune -- Charles J. Sykes

Unfortunately, there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.

1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase, "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids.

2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain it's not fair.

3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it.

5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word of burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain or Britney Speers all weekend.

6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a kid.

7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

8. Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn't. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

9. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we're at it, very few jobs are interesting in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization.

10. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

11. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

12. Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

13. You are not immortal. If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

14. Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it as to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.

Scot A. Shier

Funny Greating Card

1. I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

9. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

10. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

11. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

12. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

13. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

14. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

15. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

16. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

17. We have been friends for a very long time...
(inside card) - What do you say we stop?

Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Because I am a woman

Because I am a woman
I am different from a man. We may look like the same species, but there are different “rules” for each of us.


Because I am a woman,
I need to spend 20 minutes outlining my lips before I put on lipstick. Even though you say I have a big mouth, my lips are too thin.

My hair is too flat/curly/dark/ light/wavy. Whatever my hair looks like, I want it to be the opposite. My eyes are too small, and my skin is too blotchy.

Thus, all of the time I spent in bathroom getting ready to go out is an essential part of my routine. I need all this make-up so that other woman will think I am naturally pretty.


Because I am a woman,
I will get up at 6:30 in the morning to go shopping if the store is having a sale. It doesn’t matter that I don’t need any new clothes, there are on SALE . Besides, I have 3 kinds of clothes in my closet.

There are “fat” clothes for my PMS (that’s pre menstrual Syndrome) days, “dressy” clothes for the dancing I keep asking you to take me, and “thin” clothes, that I will never get into in again without liposuction. I will, however, keep all the “thin” clothes, because tomorrow I am going on a diet. Therefore I need exercise clothes too. It takes a lot of shopping to fill up so much closet space.


Because I am a woman,
I need many shoes. Work shoes, dress shoes, three kind of athletic shoes, sandals, slippers, open toed shoes. I need high heeled shoes mid heeled shoes, low heeled shoes, flats, and boots. I need shoes in every color of the rainbow to match my extensive wardrobe (see above).


Because I am a woman,
I will get annoyed if you come to me and announce that there is no food in the house. In all likelihood there is plenty of food. I am not falling for the trick and making you a sandwich.

However, I will stand in front of my full closet and complain that I have nothing to wear. This is not the same thing.


Because I am a woman,
I will spend hours on the phone with my friends, even if I just saw my best friend today, I need to call and tell her who is on Oprah.

Especially if it is Danzel Washington .


Because I am a woman,
I will talk about you to my friends. We will discuss your underwear, your bathroom habits, and your childhood. However, if you even mention my middle name to your friends I will be angry.


Because I am a woman,
I need to talk about “the relationship” far more than you do. I will pick the worst possible time (when your favorite soccer team Arsenal is at most scoring their 1st goal against Manchester United) and say “Hon, we need to talk“. If you ask to wait until the game is over, you will find your self sleeping on the couch.


Because I am a woman,
I will have mood swings. PMS is a medical condition. So, when I scream at you and call you an SOB and then cry and want to cuddle within an hour, I am not crazy. I am a woman.


Because I am a woman,
I have strange eating habits. I will order only salads on our first date, and lobster after we married.

I will buy candy bars and washed them down with diet soda. I will put artificial sweetener in my double _mocha latte (only served at java coffee house). And any food eaten while cooking does not count as food.


Because I am a woman,
I expect to have “girl’s night out” once in a while. If you want to go bowling with the boys, I will pout and ask why you don’t want to be with me.

I will then assume that there is a problem with the “the relationship” and will want to talk about it before you leave.


Because I am a woman,
when you invite a guys over to watch football I will make hors d’oeuvres. If you want pizza bites. If you want dip, I will shape it into a football. Woman liked shaped food.


Because I am a woman,
it is ok for me to ogle a mans butt. Especially if it is Denzel Washington. But if you so much as you turn your eyeballs in the direction of a pretty woman, I will be furious. It is not the same thing.


Because I am a woman,
I will huge a woman I hate, tell an ugly woman she looks beautiful, and ask my fat friends if they have lost weight. Therefore, if you hug me I think you want hanky panky, if you tell me I look good, I think you are lying; and if you tell me I’m not fat I will cry.


Because I am a woman,
and this the new millennium, even if I make more money than you, I still expect you to buy dinner, open doors and marmalade jars for me.

But call me “honey” and I’ll tell you that you are a sexiest pig. Unless, off course, you are Denzel Washington.

Sick?

My co-worker was being let go due to a nasty habit she had of not always showing up for work. As an officer in our union, I was preparing to argue on her behalf when she took matters into her own hands and insisted, "But I was really sick this time!"

Fire!

A fire started in some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped. The volunteers jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

Ten Again?

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd really love to be ten again" she replied wistfully.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M's, her favourite sweets.

What a time she had!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"You idiot", she replied. "I meant my dress size..."

And the moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.

For a Change

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.


The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."

Random

World's Smallest resignation letter?

Respected sir,

I luv ur wife.

Yours sincerely.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .........





Description of prostitute, wife & girlfriend in mobile language?
First one is prepaid, second is postpaid and the last one is democard.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .........





Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up..

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .........





Q: What is the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED ?
A: When You Marry a right Girl you You are Complete
And when you Marry a wrong Girl You are Finished.

Time to Wash

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Man's Viagra

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.


An hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife . . .

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay...

"But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper. .."

(either her wife is too ugly or the housekeeper is too hot, LOL)

Bastard

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!