The Saga of Darren Shan
13 years ago
Archives for June 2009
300%
Saturday, June 27, 2009
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
Does heart have legs?
One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching about the heart.
After she had finished she said, "If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask."
Little Bobby stands up and asks,
"Teacher, does the heart have legs?"
She replies, "no it doesn't. What makes you ask such a question?"
He says "Last night when I went into my parents bedroom I over heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS"
Why I am Glad to be a Women
* We got off the Titanic first.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
* Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
* Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... ( You got the point? ).
* We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
* We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay!
* We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
Why the Call center Guys are paid so much
Friday, June 26, 2009
PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS R PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:
1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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3).Customer: : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
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4).Customer: : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
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5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
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7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
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8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
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9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
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10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
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11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
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12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
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13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
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14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
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15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem!
All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
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17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
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Untitled
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Teacher: Ah Kau, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how
much would your father still have?
Ah Kau: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ah Kau: You don't know my father la!
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But but but....I will only get my report card tomorrow ???
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you
now.
Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.
On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how I know the right answer one ???
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No la, mine is undying love only! !!!
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: Same as me la.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He only became a father when I born lo !!!
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No la, teacher. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I tell you she's no good!
Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me ma....
Funny Answer From Children
Clean and Stress Relieving Humour
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
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No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
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WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
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HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
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WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
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WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
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On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
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WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
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WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (smart girl)
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The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
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The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
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IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
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HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T G ET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
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And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Boys and Girls
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
What do big girls have that skinny girls don't?
Bigger boobs, deeper cleavage, killer shape!
That is the criteria of a real woman..
Then what do boys have?
--a STICK! lol!
Their Sons
These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
How men get into trouble !!!
Monday, June 15, 2009
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
******
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
If Women Ruled The World
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit..
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.
Brilliant ways! How Girls turn Guys down!!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
