The Saga of Darren Shan
15 years ago
Showing posts with label 18sx. Show all posts
Whole Thing
Friday, August 21, 2009
Shooloo and Deepoo had been married for some time and were having spousal disharmony, confrontation, disputes, problems.
So they decided to see a professional marriage counselor.
After some warming out routine questions the counselor asked the unhappy couple, "Well, what do you think seems to be the problem with your marriage?"
Simultaneously in harmonious voice Shooloo and Deepoo yelled, "I am unhappy with the Whole Thing."
"Can you both be please more specific?" asked the confounded counselor.
Confused Deepoo loss at words meekly answered, "I am unhappy with the Hole."
Shooloo snapped back, "Well, if that is what you have to say to the outsiders then I am unhappy with the thing!"
How can you be that
How can you be that extra sure while making Love?
Simple....
Wear 2 condoms with red chilly powder in between them...
if the inner one bursts the male will knowif the outer one bursts the gal will know !-)
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!!
Oh No!!!
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the ho#NY husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down-stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while"
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now"
I might go deaf
Husband: I fancy kinky sex how about I cum in ur ear?
Wife: No I might go deaf!
Husband: I’ve been cumin in your mouth 4 15yrs & u r still f*ckin talking.
ONE LINERS
* The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
* Why did the Grammar teacher slap Santa's Son?
B'coz he asked: Why is BRA Singular, when it covers 2 items n PANTIES Plural when it Covers one item?
* Define contraceptive pill?
It’s the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.
* What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!
* Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
* Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It’s only when u leave her a virgin!
* Great door signs:
Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix.
Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels.
Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed.
Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout.
Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.
Maternity room: Push, Push, Push.
* Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband: Not bad.. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.
* Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?
Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!
* Similarity between a dick & matchstick?
Both have heads without brains, both flare up at slightiest friction, both fizzle out after showing valour for 2secs !!!
Time to Wash
Thursday, August 13, 2009
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
Man's Viagra
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.
An hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife . . .
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay...
"But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper. .."
(either her wife is too ugly or the housekeeper is too hot, LOL)
Bastard
GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
How many calories
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent..... ......... ......... 12 Calories
Without her consent..... ......... ...... 387 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands....... ......... ........ 8 Calories
With one hand........ ......... ......... 22 Calories
With your teeth....... ......... ........ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.... ......... ......... ... 6 Calories
Without an erection.... ......... ....... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris.... ......... .. 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot...... ........ 192 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary.. ......... ......... ......... .. 112 Calories
69 lying down........ ......... ......... . 178 Calories
69 standing up.......... ......... ...... 312 Calories
Wheelbarrow. ......... ......... ......... 386 Calories
Doggy Style....... ......... ......... .... 400 Calories
Italian chandelier.. ......... ......... . 972 Calories
ORGASM
Real........ ......... ......... ......... 112 Calories
Fake........ ......... ......... ......... 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..... ......... ....... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately. ......... ....... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately. .....816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old......... ......... ...... 36 Calories
30-39 years....... ......... ......... .... 80 Calories
40-49 years....... ......... ......... .... 124 Calories
50-59 years....... ......... ......... .... 972 Calories
60-69 years....... ......... ......... .... 2916 Calories
70 and over........ ......... ......... .. Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly...... ......... ......... ......... 32 Calories
In a hurry....... ......... ......... .... 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
Painful!!
So this lady elephant is walking along the forest, when she gets a sliver in her foot. It`s really quite painful, so when she sees this bunny rabbit on the forest floor, she asks him to pull the sliver out.
The rabbit says, "Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me."
"All right," says the elephant, "what?"
"Well you see," says the rabbit, "I haven`t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I`ve had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me."
The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees.
So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, "Okay, get ready," and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant.
This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit going at with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree. He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.
The elephant says, "Ouch!"
And the rabbit says, "That`s right bitch, take it all!"
Strange sex
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn`t.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there`s no reason that you shouldn`t practice anal sex, if that`s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
A great idea
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Ears
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While he was there,an attractive young lady in a robe came out of her apartment next to the mailboxes.
The guy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day, and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me."
