The Saga of Darren Shan
16 years ago
Showing posts with label Man. Show all posts
Men will try everything
Friday, August 21, 2009
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.
Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ ......... ......... ....... Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!!
Men Are Like...
Men are like..... Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like..... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like..... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like..... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like..... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like..... Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Ears
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While he was there,an attractive young lady in a robe came out of her apartment next to the mailboxes.
The guy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day, and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me."
92 years old
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins? "
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."
Untitled
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Teacher: Ah Kau, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how
much would your father still have?
Ah Kau: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ah Kau: You don't know my father la!
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But but but....I will only get my report card tomorrow ???
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you
now.
Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.
On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how I know the right answer one ???
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No la, mine is undying love only! !!!
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: Same as me la.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He only became a father when I born lo !!!
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No la, teacher. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I tell you she's no good!
Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me ma....
