The Saga of Darren Shan
15 years ago
How many calories
Thursday, August 13, 2009
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent..... ......... ......... 12 Calories
Without her consent..... ......... ...... 387 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands....... ......... ........ 8 Calories
With one hand........ ......... ......... 22 Calories
With your teeth....... ......... ........ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.... ......... ......... ... 6 Calories
Without an erection.... ......... ....... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris.... ......... .. 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot...... ........ 192 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary.. ......... ......... ......... .. 112 Calories
69 lying down........ ......... ......... . 178 Calories
69 standing up.......... ......... ...... 312 Calories
Wheelbarrow. ......... ......... ......... 386 Calories
Doggy Style....... ......... ......... .... 400 Calories
Italian chandelier.. ......... ......... . 972 Calories
ORGASM
Real........ ......... ......... ......... 112 Calories
Fake........ ......... ......... ......... 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..... ......... ....... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately. ......... ....... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately. .....816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old......... ......... ...... 36 Calories
30-39 years....... ......... ......... .... 80 Calories
40-49 years....... ......... ......... .... 124 Calories
50-59 years....... ......... ......... .... 972 Calories
60-69 years....... ......... ......... .... 2916 Calories
70 and over........ ......... ......... .. Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly...... ......... ......... ......... 32 Calories
In a hurry....... ......... ......... .... 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
Painful!!
So this lady elephant is walking along the forest, when she gets a sliver in her foot. It`s really quite painful, so when she sees this bunny rabbit on the forest floor, she asks him to pull the sliver out.
The rabbit says, "Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me."
"All right," says the elephant, "what?"
"Well you see," says the rabbit, "I haven`t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I`ve had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me."
The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees.
So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, "Okay, get ready," and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant.
This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit going at with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree. He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.
The elephant says, "Ouch!"
And the rabbit says, "That`s right bitch, take it all!"
Strange sex
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn`t.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there`s no reason that you shouldn`t practice anal sex, if that`s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
The Beautiful and a Bungler
This morning on the freeway to work,
I looked over to my left and there was
A beautiful Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her Face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked just away
For a couple seconds!
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane
With flashing signal,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare that easy.
But she scared the hell out of me
That I dropped my electric shaver,
Which knocked
The breakfast of donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel, it knocked
My cell phone
Away from my ear which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed, and burned
My pride big Jim and the twins balls,
Ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants,
And disconnected an important business call.
Random Jokes
A bachelor Man asked his physician, “I Want to live healthy and longer.”
The Doctor advised, “Good thought, Get married.”
The man asked, “Oh you mean the exercise of sex will make me live longer.”
The Doctor said, “No it is the want of sex that will kill your thought.”
Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always."
Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot’ n’Spicy, "Delicious anytime."
Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice."
Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip."
Casual Day
A Company decides to adopt Fridays as Casual Day and they issued a Memo to all department intimating the same.
Week 1
Memo 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3
Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.
Week 6
Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.
Week 8
Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9
Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14
Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has distributed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee.
Week 18
Memo 7: Company is providing psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20
Memo 8: We are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day is discontinued
